Title : The artists way?!
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The artists way?!
Caught between real life and the performance of life.
What is real life anyway?
To me now - real life is about community, about sharing knowledge, about helping people help themselves about being together or even alone in a meditative state when and as much as you can to calm the body. Its about being happy in whatever you do and being grateful for everyday.
As I am 'sick' with a 'terminal' disease its almost like I have the 'getoutofjail' monopoly card. When I sit back and not have to go and do all the things I used to do, life certainly changes. In fact everything changes.
At times, I feel like I need to put on a show that I am well. Why do I do this? Well because I dont want people to feel sorry for me, or sad for me or especially my family I dont want them to have to suffer seeing me suffer. Suffering causes more suffering. But can be a real struggle at times.
However I am discovering there is a certain art to this. As I am an artist. But I am also a scientist as I dont need the negetive, pitiful energy that comes from being sick. Its a trap!
And so I think somehow that in creating my art it allows me to step into my imagination of living my best life. And living my best life is doing what I love to do, creating.
There is a certain element of performance that is attached to this role. I mean I create wild head pieces and jackets and unusual shoes and weird and wonderful jewellery out of found things and whales teeth and large lifewreaths which literally cover the floors and every single space in my home. But this is because I have always adored the unusual. I love the challenge of creating something from the things I find, from food to art. And I love the art of dress up,visualising beautiful surroundings.
Now in saying this, I am not acting. As there are days when I literally cant get out of the bed due to being tired. I have a heavy load of tumours in the centre of my being that I have to contend with daily. But in a way - everyday I hoax myself into thinking Im grand. The cancer is there but I am here and so I am living the life of being the artist as that gives me the most joy. Yes, I guess the life of an artist is a bit egotistical to some. Some even say most artists are narcissists. But I would defo say that hopefully the artists you are looking at are making you think a little outside of your normal routine or the matrix as I like to call it now!
I get lost in creating. I create worlds. Yes I would agree that I could be doing something alot more profound and better with my time like helping others more or doing better things for society by becoming a politician but that involves so much and when your energy is low, knitting or wrapping some wool around a twig is all my mind can cope with.
Which brings me to life and the survival of the fittest concept. Or is it just that I have been able to slip myself out of the controlled matrix of waking up at 6am or 7am everyday to go out to work to do all the things 'normal' people do, go to work and partake in life. Gotta look at the positive side of all of this!
I've slipped away from all that now, well as I am just not able for it all. My body says no. No more night outs with the girls. I just am not able for it. And its sad as people get annoyed or feel put out by it. But thats what happens. This person is not the same person. In fact the thought of alcohol makes me sick as well it destroys so many lives and people are just very dumb on it and its a coping mechanism for most who delve into it, sadly because they cant look inside and understand themselves and see the other things that are on offer.
We are all just here to be present,
And to heal one another...
And so I have accepted it all, I am happy.
I love you all
fi
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