Title : Evoking....a large bowl of pasta.....feeling is healing.
link : Evoking....a large bowl of pasta.....feeling is healing.
Evoking....a large bowl of pasta.....feeling is healing.
On leaving the hospital I dropped my computer on the ground on the 23rd. I just got it back. Whether thats a good or a bad thing! Who knows....alot of dribble here. My excuse is too much meditation!
On Thursday I had a meet with my oncologist and well, to put it lightly she looked at me, saw my scan and said, "You need to go up to the ward". I was not in good shape, I could feel it, head in hands, not my usual self. In hindsight I was totally dehydrated and so I had 6 bags of salt water bags 500ml iv'd over the first 2 days. I had to go on to steroids and well, she told me that my life would be over soon enough if I dont choose to do chemotherapy. And so I have began chemotherapy to try and knock back some of this stretch on the liver.
Im growing in other ways now, too. I was in the hospital for a week. I have to say it was a very pleasant experience. It flew by. I didnt want to leave as I wrote and wrote and thought and thoroughly enjoyed the peace, the visits, the juice deliveries, the most amazing soup and food deliveries, the laughs with friends, the insights, the visualisations, the silence and getting looking after so well. I would go back tomorrow!! (The hospital food was actually not so bad. I cant complain with the menu. I questioned the soup. Was it powder or not. However I ate it and loved it. Nothing like a bit of heavy salted bouillon. I got a slight small addiction to weetabix!) I saw it like a little princess experience. For not wanting to go into the hospital for so many weeks, they certainly brought me back to life and I am so thankful for that. I got a bit of a way to go. I get a fright looking at myself. My skin seems translucent at times. But I am here. or Am I actually even here?! Its all a bit surreal.
I felt like I was in a state of hypnosis for the week as I was constantly trying to entrance myself into raising my vibrations by listening to motivational speakers (Joe Dispenza, Alan Watts, Louise Hay, my friend Peri sent a lovely meditation for me) and doing alot of meditation, sitting on the chair, face towards window sitting in the light and really feeling the light. I am trying to constantly detach from the past...past my sickness....and its difficult sometimes...but I must keep going. Becoming instantaneous and momentous. Everything is in the moment.
Unable to raise my arms for the first few days, it was a whole new world for me. I felt like it was a little touch and go. Such a strange experience. My view over Elm park golf club was really nice to watch the light during the day over the magical frosty lawn. I saw the world as it is. No past and no future. I was the same as any other patient in there. But deep down inside of me I know I am not the same as other patients in there. I wondered did they believe that they were going to get well, like me. I wondered why they couldn't think like that.
I knew there were some patients in there for months and so that gave me a drive, to get the hell up and work my limbs back to life. I thought so often about the other patients and used to walk by them on the 4th day after getting some energy back to see how they were and send them my love. Reality is an idea. We create our reality. So I needed to get the hell out of that bed and work myself up into a good state and thanks to all my amazing friends and prayers etc. I did and Im home and happy.
I had the pleasure of some lovely nurses looking after me. One nurse in particular I had an amazing connection with. She had a beautiful energy about her and spoke of her mothers passing and said the most beautiful magical and mystical words to me on the 3rd night as I lay there, really helpless without energy. She talked about my spirit. She said my spirit was so alive and that my soul wants to live. Honestly those words lifted me. She was a special one.
I have gone up a level of peace from just sitting in silence and meditating and getting food delivered. I can see now how the monks do it, so well, or at least the look like they are. But sure no one knows what Zen is. Life can be so zen when you don't have to think or cook for yourself, thats for sure! I literally had to say yes or no to teas and snacks. It was beautiful.
I couldn't help but think that so many people cling to suffering. I mean I was raised catholic. And people think they are so right when they are suffering. I'm trying to let it go....everyday. Letting it go. Why am I suffering? It was the first time I asked myself that. Cant I change the tape.
Everything we know is in our mind. Are you all my personal dream to shape me into this person I have become? I am so glad I didn't study philosophy when I was younger. God only knows where I would be now!
Im intrigued by the mind. Your mind only knows what it is taught. It never really knows who it is.
I am absolutely dying for a big bowl of pasta. I cannot stop thinking about carbonara or a good creamy mushroom spaghetti with some truffle oil. Goddamn carbs taking over my mind!! Not so Zen. Please god next week I can enjoy a bit of that. Mama Mia, Dublin 2 here we come. I love that place.
Love to y'all
Fiona
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