Title : The more I learn the more I really need to learn...
link : The more I learn the more I really need to learn...
The more I learn the more I really need to learn...
Good morning my friends,I have just spent the last 3 days in hospital. Due to the doctor finding a large mass in my liver/stomach area. I was, I have to say a little scared. I arrived into A and E from being at the Pallative Care hospice advising me to see the doctor and then see where I go. On investigation the dof advised me to go straight into a & e. And so at 3pm I went in with mum and was taken straight in thankfully. Family members and friends brought us in some food and bits which was so kind. I have the best pals. I am so grateful for these amazing thoughtful humans around me.
I went for a chest Xray and a Body Xray and at 5am I finally was brought to a bed in the hospital where many sick people lay coughing and lets just say it wasnt the best night sleep, but at least I felt safe should anything happen. And I had to do this in order to get a scan and get pain medication over the Christmas should it get bad. Fortunately I am not in pain, just discomfort.
I have to say that the last few days in the hospital has been really enjoyable. I havent slept properly at all. But I have really mastered just being in the present and just going with the journey I am on. There is absolutely no point in being anxious about it.
Would you believe I enjoyed the food - haha! Cornflakes and Alpen and white toast and tea for breakfast. I had plaice, brussel sprouts and mash for lunch with a selection of desserts and then a chicken casserole for dinner. As much as people complain about hospital food I enjoyed it all. Plus the snack cupboard was pilled high on my little wooden table after I ticked all the things I wanted to eat. And you know what, it did me good, probably not good for my future long term action plan but it helped me for my time in here. I felt like a kid again. I had the best bed in the room beside the window and each morning the sun shone in on me and I meditated on my little bed with a soft breeze blowing in. It was actually very peaceful. I cannot deny it I do still love bad food now and then - nice white (sour dough) toast and jam and a cup of tea would probably be my last meal!!
I got in a bit of trouble yesterday after 11 pals all came in at once. There is a visiting hour limit of 20 minutes and also and 2 people limit, and a certain hour to come in but sure we had some fun together. Little treasures they all are. Thank you guys, all laden with gifts and food. So so kind.
I was very lucky to get my scan yesterday. It didnt look like it was going to happen until the 5th of January which meant that should I be in pain over the Christmas I have no strong medication to help me if pain does come. Or i would just have to go through the whole rigmarole of a and e again. What a joke the system is.
It all came down to me briefing the last doctor to tell her I needed it. I spoke with 9 doctors about my case, had to go through the whole thing with each one. lets just say that after doctor number 5 I was getting a little impatient. But then as I relaxed into my bed Saturday night I was thinking that a few of them spoke about the 14 letters I have sent between not wanting chemo and then that actually made me think that actually they are probably just interested and in my case! As I would tell them my story and then they would disappear into the hospital abyss and I wouldnt see that doctor again. Until Aduke came and I knew she wouldnt go home until she got me the scan and low and behold the contrast came up for me to drink and I knew it was happening. YOu just know when you have got hold of the one who is going to sort you out and I was right, she did. I was delighted. This was down to her. She finished her job as I knew she would and up came the contrast to go down for the scan. Brilliant.
so now I am about to leave my little respite for the last few days. I have enjoyed the experience. Its been a nice bit of downtime and to be served food all day long without putting someone out. My little pals in the room laughed when I told them that I enjoyed my time here but it was interesting. I am intrigued by the psychology of being a patient. I am intrigued by how family members react to their loved ones illnesses. I watched some just sit there and others actually trying to converse with the sick. Never forget that the patient is still human no matter how bad it looks. Unless it is requested not to talk, keep them alive!
I met some lovely people and it puts everything into perspective again as to how i want to move forward in the slower way I must. Adapting to the slower pace has not been an easy transition for me at all. But this stint in hospital has eased that somewhat.
I am so thankfull that the cancer is not in my stomach, spleen or pancreas like some doctors had felt. The bone metastasis has not grown either which is fantastic news. My little liver is going to get so much love over the Christmas. I am lucky I am home now. I slept so well last night. I needed that sleep so bad. Now I need to get out, lay on the ground. Get those negetive ions running through my body. Be in nature. And unplug for Christmas presence.
So have a beautiful Christmas everyone,
Love and blessings to all,
Take time out for a bit of silence for yourself everyday,
love fi x
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