Title : Life choices....no not really. Back to chemo with my tail between my legs.
link : Life choices....no not really. Back to chemo with my tail between my legs.
Life choices....no not really. Back to chemo with my tail between my legs.
What if you went into your doctor one day with a small pain and they told you that you had a year to live, that you had an incurable disease. How do you think you would react? Can you actually put yourself into that position? What do you think you would do immediately?
What do you think you would change about your life?
Yes we all have bills to pay, mouths to feed, but what would it do to you?
I just ask myself that.
As I went to do my little check up with my oncologist and unfortunately for me, I got some bad news. The news I had been dreading. She said to me that the cancer is back in my liver and is worse now than when I first began. Well as you can imagine I was gobsmacked. I could not believe it.
"Are you sure",
I said in disbelief. But unlike before, 2 years, less a month, to the day I got this result I burst out crying and it was my life had ended. Very dramatic altogether! But thats how her prognosis was. She had nothing more to say.
But on Thursday, I looked deep into her eyes listening to her tell me again, it was back and it was aggressive. I was shocked, but I was sort of poised this time. As well, I didnt feel sick and hey this has happened before, so, it was a different sort of a shock.
I sort of thought well, I have come such a long way since being diagnosed in February 2016 that some might say I am even a miracle. Well I would say certainly miracles do happen and I do see them at work every week, but I have been working so hard at this cancer business that when she broke the news to me I thought to myself well, I must try harder.
As I sat, in the waiting room in St. Vincents on my own, as to be honest I like to be alone when meeting with the onc. Then its just me and well me and I don't have to deal with the emotions of other people. In saying that, it might not be the best as I didnt ask the right questions and if I had someone there, they could have helped me do that. I guess that is the very hard part when you have a disease. I am constantly saying, 'Oh I'm grand' to make other people feel ok and not go into it. As much and all as people offer their help, they have enough to be doing with their own lives than helping me that I never ask. (Although I do really appreciate my families efforts, dont get me wrong) But what needs to be done is so much more than most people could even imagine anyway. Also in saying that, those good thoughts and prayers - keep them coming!!! Thank you so much, I appreciate every prayer and candle and good thought coming this way.
Back to the oncologist office - so she said, the largest tumour now measures over 8cm. They were down to 2.5cm last June when I had my last scan.
I was shocked.
"Are you sure you have the right person?"....."But I have been feeling so well".
And that is precisely why this disease is such a kick in the teeth.
"Oh I am so disappointed"....'' So where do we go now?''
"Chemotherapy, starting asap''.
''Oh I so don't want to do it'', I said. And she just looked at me.
"Can I take the tablets instead of coming into the hospital?" I said.
A friend of mine is on a particular tablets as she has some spots in her liver, I was chancing my arm. "I could put you on Xoleda" she said.
''You can begin taking them on Sunday and its 2 weeks on one week off for 10 weeks. We bring you in for a scan, see if its working and take it from there.''
I left her office and spoke with her lovely nurse. It was beginning to set in, that I was right back at square one again. Arse. But hey I thought to myself. I have lived one very good year. One absolutely fabulous year in Dublin. Yes I have had the stress of having cancer, moving country, moving home, getting work, family stuff etc but overall I have had a good year. I have lived, not survived, lived. My wellbeing engaged me in more lifechanges that havent been easy. But some of the most beautiful situations in meeting new people and in helping others have been the best part of this mad journey.
When I went home the situation became a little more daunting. I guess I'm my own worst enemy as I know far too much about cancer, chemotherapy, alternative medicine, how I feel on chemotherapy and I just was stressed out thinking about it all and my future. I didn't really sleep well thinking about the what ifs and what brought this cancer back in such an aggressive way. Its an awful awful disease as I look and feel totally fine. I am not tired. I am in good form (most of the time!) and then this news just knocks you for six and you are back down again feeling slightly sorry for yourself. Its desperate. All from a goddamn scan.
Facing the family is the worst thing. No family member or friends can or should advise someone suffering from a life threatening disease. What they can do is talk about all the possibilities thats available, just a nice long conversation. Good long chats over a nice cup of tea and a healthy biscuit. I have read in books of people being pressured into chemo time and time again - You must start chemotherapy immediately. I feel the big threat into putting this poison into my body again, going through the whole rig mirole of it all, for what? A few more months? Another year but in horrible pain and sickness. Ughhhh!
The cancer patient is the only person who can choose what they want to do with their lives. Now I am saying that not because anyone was telling me to do anything, but because I know deep down in my heart and soul that if I had carried on with chemo, id probably be dead by now or in St. John of Gods with serious depression. But instead I had a wonderful year and celebrated my sons 10th birthday yesterday. That is life. That is wellbeing. No pain. And I had it of my own doing.
I am just so nervous to put these chemicals into my body, as anyone in their right mind would. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant of the damage it does to the immune system. The one thing that fights the cancer.
So I am at a crossroads. Do I take the chemo? or do I live my life as best I can and go hell for leather into a very strict regime? or do I break down my body with chemotherapy to get rid of the cancer and hopefully not kill too many good cells in the process or my immune system? Its an absolutely devastating choice. (The gun or the guillotine) This is the life gamble of many, I know. Unfortunately going the healthy way is not recorded and so therefore there are no statistics on it as it is the pharmaceutical companies who sponsor these statistics. And statistics only come from the people who took chemotherapy.
I walked into the pharmacy to pick up the medication straight after the hospital. Like a dog with my tail between my legs, not my usual self. Niall the pharmacist said when he looked up and saw me, he knew something was up as I didnt have the usual Fiona glow. (Hes just moved himself way up on my board!) total charmer. He brought me into the room and said he knew something wasnt right. I told him my predicament and he gave me the medication which is 4 tablets in the morning, 4 in the evening for the next 10 weeks and he sat me down to tell me the side effects, which I thought was so nice of him. A guy that is just so dedicated to his job and his patients.
So tomorrow is D day. I will begin chemo again and a very strict diet of loads of wheatgrass, juices and live food. Its going to be very hard not to be eating all the nice things I had been eating like sourdough bread, not a touch of butter, or that odd coffee etc. Im going in all guns blazing now, no more messing around. Ill let you know how it goes. I certainly wont be posting pics. I can feel the blood drain from my face already! ughhh.
Over and out folks,
Lots of love
fiona xxx
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