Title : Happiness is....making lifewreaths in a corner of camden street!
link : Happiness is....making lifewreaths in a corner of camden street!
Happiness is....making lifewreaths in a corner of camden street!
Well, how r ye all doin?its been a month to the day since my last blog post. Well I have been good and on a great journey of self discovery. who the hell is fiona Cribben and why does she do the things she does? I wont go into the ins and out of it all, but its all been a huge learning curve and very positive for future endeavors.
I took the opportunity to go and meet a cancer Councillor, for the first time since being given my diagnosis. I was seeing her for about a month and a half ago and I saw her 4 times all in all. I was really happy with how far we came in the short amount of time. She was very good. The idea presented itself when I felt a little down, I had alot of fog over my thoughts and emotions and I was unable to make certain life decisions. Thats what happens when you have an illness, it takes hold of you and makes you decision less. It takes away those amazing future plans you have been working towards all those years, because, well, life is different now and the not knowing makes you just put a halt to everything. Simple things like moving my stuff from Iceland to here even, i used to think sure - whats the point. Our place is not as big as the home in Iceland. there wasnt really a point to anything there for a while.
Then a few weeks ago I had a pal down from Galway and we managed to squeeze in alot of things in 2 days. It was a really wonderful break, like we were away on holidays enjoying each others company. Love those days of insightful chats, pancakes and swimming in the sea. It was a sort of celebration as it was been a year since I have had chemo. Those pancakes were like no other pancakes I ever had. A real treat. Swimming in the sea is just what the body needed to shake up the metabolism and let it know who is boss. the sea peeling away any fear in the cells and its just is so rewarding after when you are left there tingling all over. And then the deliciousness of the warm stoge that is pancakes with cream and maple syrup! It was a celebration, a nice victory.
I remember the day well last year. I sat there, staring at the ceiling in the hospital while getting chemo and then all of a sudden a thought came over me that this is the last time I am going to do chemo. Yes, this is it. I had walked down the road the previous Thursday looking at all the nature, thinking why do I need to do chemo? My body is totally wrecked. Mother natures trees blowing in the wind, while walking up Eglinton road, the wind brushing my skin and my body feeling soft yet sensually strong from all the exercise I was doing. It came from months of having the feeling that this was not right for me. I felt my body was failing me when I was on it. I felt that I was literally hollow on the inside under my right arm. I could literally stick my fingers in through my ribs. I could hear a rattle. I was sick and I felt like if I didnt change up this pattern I was on my way out.
I remember lying there and the thought entering my head of the decision and then sitting up with this most powerful thought, fixing the pillows behind me, sitting up straight, thinking and making the choice that- This is the last time I am going to do this. I felt like I had power in thinking this. i felt excited. I didnt want to do this anymore, or for a while at least. I got this sort of excited nervous knot in my stomach and then I thought of my family. They arent going to like this. My mood wayned, but I got strong again and I felt confidant in my choice. We are going to have a few discussions! But feck it, its my life. I thought to myself - do I want my child to remember me as this sickly, bald, tired woman, or do I want to see if I can give my body a chance.
I had to speak with my oncologist and hope that she will still look after me even though I am not going ahead with her plan for the moment. I will listen though to everything she says for the tests and scans will show if something is not right. But I had this belief inside of me (after the months of research underneath the duvet on my phone at all hours in the night) that I had the power to take a break. I am so thankful for this year. More than anything.
I´m still here and doing well, thank God. And thanks to my faith, and all the prayers and eating so well, sweating and cold showers. I am actually creating art everyday which I am sure is releasing more endorphins again and I have a new studio in town on Camden street. I am as lucky as a black cat sometimes. I met a friends boyfriend and I was telling him how I live and what I do to stay healthy and we got talking about a project he was doing and he showed me his work and then all of a sudden he asked me to come in a see the space. Its just wonderful. Its our workspace now. Its like a little mad curiosity shop. He handmakes all sorts of weird and wonderful things like beautiful animal like lifesize teddybears that literally give you the most incredible hug and people can come in and pick up things they buy from him and the wreaths from me and see what we do. The future looks bright!
I am delighted that some of you are coming to pick up some wreaths next week in my new studio! I look forward to showing you my little space on Camden street. Maybe we will even get a sign up in the near future and have a proper shop, lets see what happens, no rush, plenty of time.
Christmas is coming, very exciting times ahead.
Love and infinite blessings,
Fix
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